New Year's Resolutions Suck

OK, seriously who even sticks to resolutions, especially the weight loss kind that are made in a post Christmas sugar rush/ I can feel my ass growing state? Not this gal. Instead I have a few possibly unattainable aspirations for the coming year.

• Healthy children- I'm not trying to avoid the common cold or even the screaming shits (that we've been battling for the last few days... poor Mae), but for crap sake no hospitalization (I lowered the flex benefit plan)
• Employed hubby
• Another year of life for my gimpy dogs (poor Rocko AKA tripod)
• Sisters-in-law. OK that's stretch and maybe I don't want what any one of those boys would bring home, but hey it's lonely being the only girl.
• and lastly a boob job!

Really these are all just a sick fantasy of mine and I don't expect any of these to come to fruition, except the healthy kids thing, I need a break from the pediatrician's office. I think they're starting to suspect that I may have Munchausen by proxy syndrome.

That last part was totally a joke, no need to call CPS.

Happy New Year

Toy Purge

I couldn't take it anymore. Christmas vomited all over my living room. Barbie dolls, games, balls, balloons, arts and crafts, puzzles (7 to be exact) all covering the floor and making living in the room with that name impossible... so we went through all of the old toys in the toy box and every other place my children had stashed them and started pitching. Mega blocks- gone. Ripped dress-up clothes- gone. Thomas the train set- gone.

As hubby was going through the dress-up junk, he came across a plethora of purses and decided to slim down the pack to 3. Now you would think that this would be an easy task for a man, but no, not so.

Hubby: "Which should I keep"

Me: "pitch 'em all"

Hubby: "Well, they should have a few to play with"

Me: "OK, you decide"

Hubby: "This one's Nine West, That's good right"

Me: "Do you even know what that means"

Hubby: "No, but it's labeled 4 times, it must be
important"

Me: "Get rid of it!"

Finally, I have my living room back.

This Winter Is Making Us Skinny

Yeah, that's right, skinny. After all of the shoveling and trudging through the deep snow all of us will undoubtedly burn more calories than we can consume. Even if you are fortunate enough to have a snow blower, it's still a ton of work to move all of that snow. We use an ATV with a plow blade, and have also used the snow blower to move some of the big drifts. OK, not we, I really don't do a whole lot in the way of snow removal. I plowed once last week so hubby could make it in the driveway with the work van, and this afternoon I ran the plow down the driveway once before I ripped the cable on the blade and walked back to the house thoroughly irritated and wishing for spring.

My hubby is out right now fighting the snow once again to try to get a jump on the 3-5 inches we're expecting tonight, right after he fixes whatever I broke.

Bundle up!

Painting In The Dark

So the crappy economy has finally trickled down to us. That's right, the hubby is down to 32 hours a week, which means he's home all day on Fridays. Don't get me wrong, I love spending time with my husband, but he's totally messed up my flow. I get nothing done when he's home because I'm either cooking for him or helping him with whatever project he's working on.

So to keep him busy last Friday, I suggested that he move the furniture around in our living room to accommodate our Christmas tree. He's an all or nothing kind of guy so he suggests that as long we're rearranging we might as well paint the living room to make our house a bit more presentable, before we fill it with people on Christmas Eve. Fantastic idea, so he comes up from the basement with 3 partial gallons of paint and says "what do you think will happen if I mix them all together?" Well the color wasn't that bad, kind of a orange, yellow concoction. The real bitch was that just after we pulled all of the furniture out of the living room into the kitchen, the power went out. Several minutes later squad cars and ambulances come screaming past our house to the intersection just down the road. Someone had crashed their car into a power pole and broke the pole clean off, live wires hanging on the ground. About 30 minutes later flight for life landed in the field behind our neighbor's barn and flew the car's occupant to a hospital in Milwaukee. From what I have heard, the man survived, but no less hit a f*cking pole at 55 miles an hour. Hopefully he'll be OK.

The road was closed so the bus couldn't get through to bring Mae home, so I drove my car up to the corner to wait for her with the officer who was manning the roadblock. I made sure that he knew we were without power and he said that the power company was already at the scene and we should have power back within an hour. Fine with me. So we went back to the house and painted until dark, when I decided to call the power company myself to get an estimate of when power would be restored. The nice woman on the phone said 8:00, so we ordered a pizza and continued painting by flashlight. The girls had fun making the living room look like a disco party while I was trying to paint the edges with a brush while hubby rolled the ceiling. 8:00 comes and goes still no power and at a very cold 6 degrees outside, the house was starting to get cold. We decided to go for a ride in the car to warm up look at Christmas lights. The kids were cold, and unimpressed, and just wanted to go home and watch TV. We went home, bundled up and all went to sleep in our bed, until about 10:00 when my house starts grooving like it's 3:30 in the afternoon. Washer hopping across the laundry room, Radio on in the kitchen, computer humming away.

It's amazing how quiet the house is when the power is cut, that's probably what bothered me the most, the lack of noise.

Why My Hubby Loves Me

Several months ago my husband started talking about getting an ipod. That would be my cue to purchase, load and whatever else you do to an ipod and hand it to him- ready to go. Easy right? So, I order one direct from Apple, complete with his name and phone # engraved on the back in case it gets lost, but shit, it's an ipod and once it's gone, it's gone. I imported many of his cds and many more (shhhh) of mine, and downloaded a few choice podcasts. I'm a sucker for "This American Life" and a friend turned me on to "The Savage Love Podcast" which by the way is not appropriate listening while driving the kids to school, uncomfortable questions sure to follow. "Mom, what's a 3-way?"

While searching on itunes for other podcasts, I came across one called "Hot For Words" with the word clean behind it, honest right? From the description I assumed it was a program about words and definitions, and actually downloaded it for my husband who is, one day at a time trying to make himself sound like he learned the English language from books and not conversations from the barn. I had not seen the podcast (yes it's a video podcast) and kind forgot about it, until last week.

My hubby comes home from work and says "Honey, you just made me the hit of the job site." Now usually that means I sent along some great cookies but no, evidently I sent him to work with soft porn. Oh yeah, that's me the big porn watcher. I think I was 20 before I had seen a real pornographic movie, and I think I laughed more than I was aroused. So I said " I gotta see this" and charged straight for the computer, hubby following close behind because god forbid he miss an opportunity to watch a barely dressed woman define words.

This is what I saw:



Do you think the guy asking the question was trying to impress the hot for words goddess with the bottles of booze lined up behind him and the ever attractive basketball jersey? Now that's hot.

All Things Halloween

We've had a week full of Halloween fun. Saturday we went to the pumpkin farm and bought 3 huge pumpkins. Binny picked the biggest weighing in at 28 pounds. I told her she had to carry it, and her response was "I can get a gourd instead." We didn't do that either, so I hauled all 3 monster Pumpkins to the car and made my husband unload them when we got home. He's got to be good for something after refusing to go Pumpkin shopping to stay home and put shelves in his new work van. Not that I'm complaining or anything. Oh Yeah, now that he has a new project, I haven't seen much of him. Could be worse I could still be listening to him complain about his old piece of shit work van. At least we've moved on a little.

So back to Halloween. Sunday we did Trick-or-Treat preview in Grandma's neighborhood. It was a little cold and damn windy and Binny fell once but thank goodness to her costume, she was not injured. It was probably her costume's fault to begin with, but what do you expect when you wear a lampshade around your waist. The girls got way too much candy. We only went to 3 houses and their little bags were full. Remember when getting the big candy bars was like hitting the Halloween jackpot? And the rest of the year when you drive past that person's house you comment on how rich they must be to afford to give everyone the big bars. Well, as a parent I hate the houses with the big bars. Yes I do. Or even the people who say take as many as you want, which is very dangerous with small children. "But mom he said I could have as many as I want" as my daughter digs through the bowl to get every last Kit Kat.

Friday is the big Trick-or-Treat here which should be a lot of fun. Hopefully no big bars, and I'm pretty sure of that, the people around here are pretty tight. I remember last year, the kids got a whole pile of those awful orange and black peanut butter taffy things. Talk about cheap candy. At least they won't eat those.

Today are the Halloween parties at school. More candy I'm sure. I am going this morning to help with Mae's class. How fun for me? I'm really looking forward to seeing all of the great costumes, and the not so great of course. When I was young I always thought those plasitic dress-cape costumes with the cheesy plastic mask were the ultimate Hallween sin. How hard is it to find a good costume? And really is Hannah Montana Halloween worthy, when you dress like her everyday? Come on.

Oh, and It snowed here on Monday.

First Post!

How Exciting! My first blog!

I decided to create a blog because I have to share my thoughts with someone other than my 2 young children, and my poor husband. Believe me they're sick of my ranting- so here goes the internet. Mom has arrived! I have 2 cute little girls and an equally cute husband (sorry honey). I would post a photo of myself but I'm the mom also known as the photographer of the family so I don't have one. I offered to show my husband how to operate the "big camera" recently and his reply was "can't you just do it?". So I do. That was the same response I got when I asked him to make his own lunch, followed by "but you're so much better at it" as if that makes me want to jump out of bed at 4 in the morning, make a crappy sandwich and shove 2 hot on the outside and still frozen in the middle toaster streudels in his hand on the way out the door. And I'm the one complaining? Really, I have it pretty good. I'm a stay-at-home mom, that's right I DON'T WORK, except for the part time job I hate, and the fact that I'm a Mother and Wife. When people ask me what I do for a living and I always say that I'm a Mom and the response is always "Ooooh, so you don't work?" Bullshit, I work my ass off but I have the luxury of doing it from my kitchen in my sweats, all jobs have perks!