Priorities

With the news that tornadoes claimed nearly 300 lives and flattened entire cities last night in the southern US, I have a hard time enjoying the unending news coverage (and I use that term loosely) of Prince William and Kate Middleton's wedding.

If Flash Could Talk

Our not so little puppy is finally starting to learn some of the house rules. For a while there I'm pretty sure he thought his name was Dammit Flash. He now knows that peeing on the floor makes me very upset and usually involves him getting pulled around by his collar, a nose rub in the carpet/ rug/ clothing the girls left laying on the floor that was way too easy to pee on without making that telltale splash noise, ending with a walk out the back door. He discovered that standing by the door and barking or ringing the bell is a good way to avoid such unpleasant activities. His biting and chewing are getting better as well but not before he chewed off the upholstery on the end of the foot rest of our recliner and pulled up a silver dollar sized section of carpet out of the living room.

Who's a naughty good boy?

ME, ME, ME! IS THAT A BEGGIN' STRIP? I'M A GOOD BOY!

LOOK AT ME! I CAN DO THIS STAY THING ALL DAY IF YOU WANT. AS LONG AS THAT BEGGIN' STRIP IN YOUR LEFT HAND WILL BECOME MINE IN THE NEAR FUTURE.

WELL, ACTUALLY I NEED THAT BEGGIN' STRIP RIGHT NOW!

LOOK! I CAN LAY DOWN TOO, JUST LIKE YOU ASKED. DOES THAT MEAN I GET ANOTHER ONE?

YES, I DO THINK MY LEFT LEG MAKES A GREAT REST FOR MY UNIT.

YOU'RE NOT GOING TO CUT MY NAILS AGAIN ARE YOU? NO REALLY, THAT SUCKS.

ARE WE DONE YET?

Moving Right Along

This is my annual I can't leave those trashy, drunk, party pictures up for one more day or I might die of embarrassment post. At least I'm consistent, right?

Moving right along... After 2 weeks of nonstop parties with ridiculous amounts of food and drinks, you'd think I would be making a New Year's resolution about health or exercise or whatever else people resolve to do this time of year, but once again, I'm not. It's not that a New Year's Resolution isn't a good idea, it's a great idea, but I know I won't last one week. I can't even think of a decent topic for this blog post (and stick with it for more than a few sentences) and have erased and started over roughly 4 times now.

Moving right along... The girls went back to school today. Can you hear me cheering? They were actually as excited as I was to go back to our school year routine. Mae woke up bright and early, got dressed without any prompting from me and had her school bag packed and her coat on a good 20 minutes before the bus pulled into view. Binny was a bit slower but still even let me brush her hair without kicking and screaming.

Moving right along... The Gardener and I are in the market for a new bed. The bed related backaches have been getting so bad that if we try to sleep in on the weekends, it's downright painful. Sleeping in on a cold Sunday morning should not be a painful experience. We finally started looking for new mattresses yesterday, but once we saw the prices at the furniture store, I saw my dreams of taking a vacation this winter all but evaporate. Really, $1800 for a mattress and box spring? For that price it better serve me breakfast in bed for the first year. After doing a little comparison shopping on the Costco website this morning, I found a very similar mattress set for less than half as much as the set we saw at the furniture store yesterday. Plus, it goes on sale later this week!

Moving right along... Sad news about our local ice skating rink. Last week the weather turned warm and rainy, melting all of the snow that was on the ground and also melted the ice rink. When the cold weather returned, it came back with 30 mile an hour winds making for super bumpy ice, and while that would have been bad enough, all of the gravel and sand from the parking lot blew into the rink and froze into the ice. Boo!

Moving right along... Santa brought Binny this puffy skirt and she's has worn little else since. Guess where Santa found it? Costco! Another reason why Costco rocks!

A Hair Raising Experience

First off, let's get one thing understood. This was not my idea. My kids know how I feel about Bump-its so when Grandma Dee asked Mae what she wanted for her Birthday, Mae conned Grandma Dee into buying a set because she knew I had no interest in buying her the unusual hair accessory.

Since acquiring Bump-its we have enacted a no bump-its at school rule (Our rule, not the school's.) so that leaves weekends and Holidays for my kids to heighten their hair. Saturday was our first round of family Thanksgiving so the girls of course wanted me to install these crazy things for them. Aaaaand since I already had the hair spray and teasing comb out, I decided to try one as well, you know just for fun. Mae used the regular Bump-it and Binny used the mini Bump-it, so I was left with the Hollywood Bump-it. Making me feel more ridiculous than Hollywood, I decided to take it out before dinner, but before I could do so, the girls insisted we all take a photo together with our big happy hair. All in the name of fun!

My Letter To Altoids

I wrote this post a while back but never got around to clicking the Publish button, so I thought now would be a good time to finally post it.

First of all Altoids, I must admit that I have been a huge fan of you for years. I've been sucking you for a good 10 years now and I always enjoy myself. Your mints! Not your... ya know? Oh well, what I really mean is I love Altoids mints, specifically Sugar-Free Altoids Smalls. They are super minty and sugar free but don't taste like sugar-free, yet really teeny so they are discreet other than the fact that I must smell like I spilled an entire bottle of Listerine all over myself.

But what I really love about Altoids smalls beside the actual mints themselves, is the packaging. The flat red and white metal box with a sliding lid. Perfect, Fantastic even! But then you had to go and change the perfect, FANTASTIC little box with the sliding lid to a little suitcase looking, metal box with a hinged lid. A f*cking hinged lid! That's why I switched from the big Altoids to the smalls in the first place. The box was so much better. The sliding lid is great because I can slide it open just a teeny bit and pour (?) out a mint, close it back up and shove it back into my cluttered purse. The hinged boxes are so difficult to open and then when I finally pry it open, the entire contents of the box goes flying across my car, the kitchen, or the Doctor's office waiting room. The last one got me when I was pregnant with Binny (That was 5 years ago, I haven't forgotten about that yet.) Crawling around on my hands and knees trying to pick up the 1000 mints that launched out of my grip in an attempt to shove a mint in my mouth to try and ease my incredible morning sickness. Very funny! That and the ridiculous paper liner that is always in the way. Seriously, why is that annoying paper liner necessary? Cut the crap and save a tree!

I know you are considered a fancy schmancy mint, being curiously strong and all, but really you are only one spot away from the Certs on the shelf at the grocery store. You can be replaced, you know. Until you pull your head out of your asses and switch back to the old boxes that held 60 mints vs. the new box that only holds 50, I will be saving my old boxes and transferring new mints into the old boxes (stubborn old lady style) and complaining about it... or switching to Certs.


*No Mom, I'm not actually going to send this to Altoids.

Here, Irma Irma

If you have been reading my blog for any amount of time, you know about my love affair with our little local newspaper, The Squeak.

This week there were two great ads I couldn't pass up.

Here we go...



Yes, I admit that I feel bad that Irma (the fat, gray cat) is missing, but seriously how do you lose a gas powered lawn trimmer? Perhaps the former owner was using it on a Sunday and the neighbors took action. ...Just a thought.

Weekend Snippets

Had to tell Mae she couldn't jump on the trampoline and attend a bonfire at a friend's house. Broke my heart but as long as the PICC is in, she needs to be extra careful. BTW, if everything goes as planned, the PICC will come out this afternoon!!!

Responded with "Oh, Jesus!" to my Catholic (yet never pushy about it) Mother-in-law when she told me some big news. Instead of reading me the riot act, she laughed.

Big poppy.



Scratched the first mosquito bites of the season.

Had a bonfire at home.

Roasted marshmallows on the grill because the bonfire was nasty old barn wood.

Mae picked and ate the first ripe strawberry out of the garden.

Mae and Binny wore sundresses.

Loaded my car with 10 bags of water softener salt and 2 bags of dog food. I managed to make it home without scraping off my back bumper.

Binny vacuumed out the trunk of my car.

Held a sweet, little, drooly, 23 pound bundle of baby chub yesterday. I may even get the chance to photograph her and her brother this summer.

Went to bed at 8:30 last night.

Feeling Weird Lately

• I sensed that Mae's condition was a serious infection before it was diagnosed.

• I was craving watermelon, then my friend L and Neighbor Bonnie both brought watermelon over today.

• I was wondering just today when my friend would update her blog after 2 months, then boom, updated.

• I had a feeling that my friend had her baby today before I heard the news.

Do I need an exorcism? Maybe I just need some sleep.

Drama, Drama and Foot Trauma

Another TMI post, you've been warned!

The Honeymoon is officially over! Remember a few months back when my farmer boss had a huge temper tantrum over sweeping? Well she was on good behavior for a few weeks, trying not to be so nit-picky but slowly she has worked her way back to her annoying OCD self. Last night when I pulled into her driveway, there was a truck blocking where I normally would park, so I start aiming for the pre-approved alternate spot when she waves me off (arms flailing and shouting) and makes me park clear across the yard. She walks over and before I even get out of the car she's waving her arms and carrying on and on about how I shouldn't park in the alternate spot anymore and I should just wedge my boat of a car in next to the silo "park over there" as she stretches out her arm to point with her curled up old lady fingers. Then as I'm putting on my rubber shoe covers (a farm must have) she notices the bags of peat moss and composted manure that are sitting in the trunk of my car. "Whaddya want that for? You know you could come and get a bushel basket of the shit scrapins from the yard? That's just as good as what you have there?" The idea is to cut the crap, not put it in my garden. I know I know, people have been using manure for gardening for years, but seriously I take enough shit from her already, I don't want her fresh poo. I'll take the actually composted (sitting on a pile in the cow yard for a week does not equal composted) stuff for $1 a bag over her stuff that I can still see bits of corn in. Although my dogs would love it, I don't want it!

Then while we were milking the cows, the sports guy was on the radio talking about Brett Favre (former Quarterback for the Green Bay Packers) and his possible move to Minnesota to play for the Vikings. Now normally I don't care about (American) football, it does not interest me in the least and I was actually lucky enough to find a man who also doesn't care about the sport. I know, I lucked out with the Gardener. So anyhow, people are calling in to this sports show and complaining about Brett Favre and how he's just doing this to get back at the Packers management and more than a few callers (during the day this station runs conservative talk shows mind you) were saying that they hope Brett Favre would be hurt (Really Christian Conservatives? You wish harm upon another human being just because he's going to play for a rival team?) in the first game and out for the rest of the season. As she's agreeing with the irrational callers, I ask her, "You don't really think he's coming back to football from retirement for a second time just to piss off the Packers do you?" She responds "Oh my, yes!" Then she had a mini tantrum right there in the barn as she switched the milking machines between cows. I know the Packer fans around here are serious about their team, but come on, this seems too wacky even for the Cheese Heads.

***

I went back to the Dermatologist on Tuesday. The moles are gone and healed but the nasty, ugly warts remain on the bottom of my foot. After 2 weeks of acid and Compound W treatments, my poor foot looks like it has been through a war, and lost. The skin is tender to the touch which makes walking a little interesting, but doc says to keep on keeping on if I want to get rid of these awful things for good. Plantar warts are actually caused by a virus (thank you Google), more specifically the human papillomavirus (HPV- the same family of virus that can cause certain types of cervical cancer). The kind of HPV I have is not an STD (no weird foot fetishes around here), but not fun in any case. I go back in 2 weeks for more of the same. I asked my doc how long he thought this eradication process would take, he just laughed. I guess that means no sandals for me this summer. :(

Questions In My Head

1. Since when is a football field considered a standard unit of measure?
2. Because we live across the road from a pig farm, does that put us at risk for Swine Flu?
3. Why do my kids wait til the last minute to decide what they want to take for the class snack?
4. Why is the sky still dripping? When will the sun reappear?
5. Can it be too windy to fly a kite?
6. Why does Binny wake up every morning looking like a squirrel spent all night making a nest in her hair?
7. Why can't I make a bowl of malt-o-meal without it erupting all over my microwave?
8. Who thought that Dateline murder mysteries were a great programming choice at 4 AM? That's not going to help my insomnia.
9. Why does my husband wait until all of his work clothes are dirty to throw them in the hamper and then get cranky when he has no clean clothes to wear?
10. What am I going to do with an entire Turkey wing's worth of feathers? Or more accurately, what are my girls going to make with all of the feathers? Do I need to sterilize them first?